Sometimes as a slave or submissive, there come times where you physically cannot provide service due to health. This can happen when you injure yourself, say break an arm or a leg, or with more serious health conditions that make tasks difficult. This can be really difficult because you can’t provide the service you want or even may need to on top of the frustrations of the health issue itself. 

Recently I’ve been to the doctor for a heart issue. To put it simply, my heart rate is much faster than it should be and I’m at risk of having a stroke if it gets any worse. I have been put on medication to help lower it while my doctor waits on lab results to come back, but it still hasn’t made life any easier. It takes time for medication to kick in and some of the side effects where issues I was having because of the high heart rate. I’m often fatigued and the medication can make you dizzy. 

While dealing with the issues of thinking about my own mortality at the age of 23 and the the consequences of having a heart issue, I’ve honestly felt kind of useless. Because just standing up causes my heart rate to spike from 85 to 97 (or higher) I haven’t been able to provide service to my current boyfriend. It had been established that I would do the dishes when I was there but I can’t stay standing long enough to wash more than two or three plates. On top of that both my boyfriend and his wife have been doting on me and taking care of me while I’m staying with them. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve it (which is a whole other issue in of itself) because I’m not able to provide service, but I know that isn’t true. 

The thing I have to keep telling myself is that taking care of myself is a service all on it’s own. The two of them care about me and my health so making sure that I’m okay is something that is important to them.  It’s hard to believe but the best I can do right now is to make sure I stay alive.

I hope y’all work on staying alive and creating your best selves as well.

in love and leather
magic